August 10, 2020 - Day 41
Wow - 41 days! It's funny how some of the non-descript days (days not ending in a zero or on a Wednesday) can seem like such accomplishments and then on big days like Day 40, I don't feel compelled to write.
I didn't post yesterday, mostly because I was emotionally spent from attending 2 meetings in one day: I joined Women for Sobriety earlier in the week and attended a few early morning meetings. Yesterday there were only 5 of us in attendance so it sure wasn't easy to hide! I think there is always an opportunity in being vulnerable and sharing and I always get back 10 fold what I put in. Although I do not want to follow the AA path for several reasons I am not ready to get into, I admit I am feeling a draw for a deeper connection to myself and this process from a spiritual point of view. One of the WFS ladies steered me to Dharma Recovery and it really put me in check. Being my first meeting, and much more structured than WFS, I was pleased that there were over 50 people in attendance so I could remain somewhat invisible. H.owever what I couldn't escape were my demons.
Part of the Dharma meetings include a period of directed meditations. I have been trying to meditate for years: I have the candles, the pillow, the fountain, the meditation apps - you would think I was a pro. Well yesterday, during the meditation, there was a point when we were asked to do acknowledge the feelings in our body and I started to cry. It was like I was outside of my body watching this poor little girl just weep and weep. The adult in me said I should stop, but I ignored it and I simply let the tears flow, and literally, somehow tried to embrace the sadness that was escaping from my heart and rolling down my face. I just let the process unfold until I no longer wept. Still in meditation, I was able to calm myself, find my center and come out of that meditation with a newfound awareness I never had before.
Yes, there was more sharing and vulnerability that came from others in the meeting. However, it was my vulnerability that moved me the most. My armor was gone, I was a little 8 year old girl who fell off her bike and really hurt herself and her mother simply called her a baby. I cried for that little girl in my safe space in my heart, and I honestly, truly feel that little girl finally felt the feeling of being nurtured. It took me 54 years to be able to help that little girl. But she is now safe and loved and nurtured.
The gratitude in my heart is overwhelming and I just sat with that all day yesterday. And it was simply enough to keep me sober.
I hope you find 'the thing' today that keeps you sober.