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August 2, 2020 - DAY 33

Is giving up alcohol really that hard?


Yesterday was a hard day.  But not for me.

We went to a memorial yesterday. We drove 2 1/2 hours each way to arrive at a hick town in a community hall to say goodbye to the 19 year old daughter of my husband's colleague.  The drive wasn't hard, Being there wasn't hard.

But you know what was?

Listening to the friends, family and parents of that young woman talk about how beautiful she was, especially through her disability.   Hearing that even though she couldn't walk or talk, she touched an innumerable amount of lives.  Feeling that grief must have been so hard.


Hearing how the parents were told she wouldn't live past the age of 1. Thinking about how they lived every day knowing it could be the last with their precious girl.  Hearing how they centered their lives around moving to different cities (there were 4) across Western Canada in search of the best possible care for their child.  Thinking about how hard it must have been for their 2 older sons to have to pick up and move yet again because of their sister. I can't imagine how hard all that must have been.


Imagining that devastating day in April when they once again tucked their beautiful angel into bed at night, for the last time.  Imagining walking into her bedroom the next morning and she was simply gone. That feeling of hopelessness must have been so hard.


Thinking about the utter loss and loneliness of not being able to truly grieve with others the way we should be able to, or to have to wait to give her a proper goodbye until over 3 months because of this damn pandemic. What a hard thing to deal with.


That family was the true picture of strength, resiliency and love. Being the young woman who struggled every day, likely in unspeakable pain and frustration:  That's hard. Being the parents, brothers and family of this girl and losing her at such a young age. That is hard. Oh my God - so fucking hard. 

So today, being on day 33 of not drinking.  That's not hard.  Real life struggles are hard. Real life loss is hard.  Knowing I have the gift of living another healthy day, to have another chance to hug my amazing healthy daughters and husband.  That should be easy.

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