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Filling up the Void


October 16, 2020 - 3 months, 16 days.......


Wow this not drinking thing is kinda crazy.  It's almost hard to notice the minute changes that are happening daily.  I am beginning to feel comfortable in my skin.  I like me. I like the me that is with others who are drinking when I'm not drinking (if that makes any sense).  I like the me who interacts with my daughter at a  boozy family function, when I'm not boozy and she can PREDICT me.  She listens to me, doesn't have that 'ya, whatever mom, you're drunk" look in her eyes when I'm talking to her.  She is attentive and so is he.  My husband.  We are so much nicer to each other.  The further I get away from not drinking, the more I don't recognize that person in the rear view mirror.  

I'm starting to not think about drinking.  It's interesting. I was visualizing what this feeling 'looked'. like" It's like 'Squeeze Play" on the Price is Right. First, drinking was this giant block in the middle of my life.  All the other bits formed around it. Then slowly, life slowly crept in and the drinking block became smaller and smaller as life became bigger and bigger and kind of 'eased' into the space that took up my drinking.  


I'm at a weird cross-road right now.  It's fall, it's dark outside. I hate the dark. I won't walk in the dark. Ever since July I would go out before work and  walk and listen.  Now I have to motivate myself to go to the depths of my basement and walk on the treadmill.  I hate winter, I hate the dark.  I don't want to drink, but I'm sad about the changing seasons. I'm grumpy right now.  So I don't like my mood.  The best thing is, I'm like this every year. But I would also drink to grieve the end of summer.  Now I'm just in 'thinking' mode. How can I make this fall/winter different?  I think I'll think about that on the treadmill. Bye!

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