Just because this tree is a different color than the others, it doesn't make it any less a tree. And besides, other trees are going to follow along eventually; realizing how beautiful and transforming it is to turn orange, lose their leaves and start anew.
Sitting in a moment of deep reflection about not drinking. I was out with some friends last night; one drinks and one doesn’t. I was already tired going out and I offered to drive. Almost every single thing irritated me last night. The one who drinks CLEARLY had a primer before I picked her up and then she had 2 more over dinner. She talked about herself and her kids all. Night. Long. Has she always been like this? Is this why I drank? Because she is so self-absorbed?
The service was terrible. There were 2 hairs found at different times. My food was only adequate. And the endless talking. I honestly didn’t care to listen about so and so’s wedding plans. I just didn’t give a rat’s ass. Is it because I was resentful I wasn’t drinking? Or, is it because I really don’t care about shit that isn’t 100% real in my life. The not phony, the not showy, the not sick with cancer. We sat all night with our friend with cancer wondering to ourselves how she was doing. She deflected all night long. Finally, at the end of the night she finally told us her cancer has spread and she has to go for more chemo. The last time she had chemo it pretty much killed her. I wish I wasn’t so tired by that point. I wanted to be at home so bad it literally hurt my insides. I am going to call her or text her to give her more one on one care today.
I have come to realize I much prefer being alone. Like most of the time. I think that’s why I enjoyed working during the pandemic. And although I don’t have an assistant, I love having my office all to myself. It’s why I love it when hubby travels. He’s fun to be around, but I love being alone more. Am I actually an introvert? What the heck? As I continue on this non-drinking path, I think about what I’d rather be doing in my spare time, my ‘what if I had all the time in the world’ time? And generally it involves being alone.
I HATE small talk. Like I can almost not even pretend anymore. Thank God for masks so people can’t see how bored I am talking to them about their stupid gardens, or their hour long story about a visit to the hairdresser. Like I literally don’t give a shit. What is wrong with me? I thought I was an empath and now I’m beginning to think I’m a sociopath. Oh that’s clever.
Belle’s blog today talked about her reading her journals from last January, so I decided to pull out my journal from last summer, ‘some time’. Would you believe I didn’t date the entries? I can only guess on dates based on comments about colonoscopies and Father’s day.
The point of the matter is this: I have wanted to stop drinking like a fish for forever! I know it now, I knew it then. So did I look longingly at my friend’s wine – no, I actually didn’t but I sure wish the shitty server would have offered to give me more hot water for my tea!
May, 2019 – “…..to awaken without guilt or shame…”
May, 2019 – “…forgiveness of myself”
June, 2019 – “…I need to feel serenity, which is missing in my heart today”
June, 2019 – “ the inner begets the outer”
June, 2019 – “Remember: you always believed life wouldn’t be as fun without smoking. Now, you never even think about it. “it’s not an option”. All of your studying and meditating is leading
you on a journey of sobriety. Why is it so scary? I felt so good during the 30 days (Sept 2017). Not one day of shame or disappointment
July, 2019 – “I am not authentic to myself”. A wow moment for me as it’s one of my values
July, 2019 – “I am in the middle of a major relationship with cognitive dissonance. Every. Single.
Day. When I finally make the choice to change my habits, maybe QUIT my habits, only then will this be resolved”. Look at how the moments are perfect when you/I am not consuming alcohol. Be present. Think about the TASTE. Think about the shame and guilt.”
Jan 20, 2020 – Gratitude Journal:
“Today I am grateful for my youngest and her courage to speak”
“My Strength”
“My willpower”
“My discipline”
“My ability to consider that things could be better”
“I am not sick YET”
A great day for the ‘shift’
Jan 25, 2020 – Doing the math – 91 days in a year of lost time due to drinking
I have run the longest marathon of anyone’s lifetime. The finish line was always mine to establish and I kept extending it with ‘I wish’s’, and ‘when I do’s’…….So I have done what I wanted. 90 days ago. All of that strife, angst, self-hatred, guilt, shame, regret, defeat, negativity, depression, outward reacting to events, woulda, shoulda, couldas. Gone. Poof. I feel so so sad for that woman last summer, fall, winter, spring…. All it took was a day 1. Then a week 1. Then a month 1, 2 and now, almost 3. Why would I ever want to feel that way again? If I I am ever at an event and think ‘I would be having so much more fun if I just had glass of wine”….. Reallly? Let’s play that out for the next 20 years after that 1 glass of wine……..
90 days for me today. I am incredibly Sober with Gratitude. Hugs to you all xo