JULY 22, 2020 - DAY 22
Pink cloud or not?
I heard a new term the other day that frightened me a little. Something called the Pink Cloud Phase. It's when the sober person experiences a natural high during sobriety that doesn't last. I thought to myself, "what the hell, this glorious euphoric feeling doesn't last?"?? I needed to unpack that a little and examine what was currently going on in my own journey.
This picture was taken in January 2018 on Maui. That previous fall is when I had discovered Annie Grace's 'This Naked Mind'. I drank the koolaid, ate it all up and started my 30 Day Alcohol Experiment in September 2017. I didn't make it the whole 30 days alcohol free; I drank 1 glass of wine on 2 separate occasions. The reason for that will the subject of another blog post. Long story short is I really felt amazing the days I didn't drink. I loved the look of myself, my top 10 values (ala Brene Brown) were finally aligned with my insides and my outsides. I couldn't actually believe that I was this person who could actually not drink and still feel fulfilled. That was the biggest downfall for me after those 30 days. "I didn't actually believe"....... I managed to PAINFULLY moderate the rest of the fall and into Christmas but when this trip to Maui in January arrived, I couldn't BELIEVE I would be able to have fun without drinking. And thus began my descent from moderation RIGHT BACK to my daily wine habit.
Ever since 2017 I knew I had to get back at it. Wine wasn't doing me any favors, it took away more than it ever gave me. And it really is true what they say in all of those 'get sober' books - it's takes a hell of long time to beat down that "Karen" voice in my head that justifies drinking at every turn. Almost 3 years to be exact.
So what's different (so far) this time? Well, this time I DON'T say, "I CAN'T believe I'm doing this". It has turned into "See, you CAN do this!!!!" So that feeling in my belly every morning when I wake up that says "Good morning beautiful, you have another day under your belt", or that feeling in my belly at bed time that says "Holy cow, how did I miss this glorious feeling of actually feeling tired??" Those feelings in my belly are like butterflies. Euphoria? Maybe. Excitement that I get another day to discover long-lost sober me? Also maybe. But it feels better than any 1st glass wine buzz I have ever felt in my life. I walk around these days with a semi-permanent grin on my face. I feel calm, content and whole. I don't know if this is that pink cloud they are talking about. If it is, I don't think it's a phase - I think it's my new reality.