JULY 30, 2020 - DAY30

I can't believe it.......?

"I can't believe it" Kind of a weird phrase don't you think? But I guess we have had so much doubt in our past that we don't even trust ourselves for the small (and HUGE) successes. Went out to dinner with hubby and the youngest - from here on out I shall call her 'wise one'.  We went for expensive burgers and fries.  It was a perfect summer heatwave and we chose to sit on the patio with everyone else who had cold beers sitting on their tables.  Although I don't like beer, it did look refreshing - so weird! I ordered soda water with lime.  The server didn't bother telling me they didn't have soda water so instead she brought me a full size bottle of san pellegrino water complete with a wine chiller, and a little glass of limes.  It was actually divine!  We laughed when I pulled the bottle out of the chiller, showed it to my family and said  "oh my God, I've just about killed a whole bottle"!  We laughed, but in my heart I was a little embarrassed because that could absolutely just as possibly been a bottle of wine I was about to kill.  I'm a guzzler of beverages it seems, pure and simple!  

The meaning of this story:  I sat on that patio in such a state of calm. I almost got ANXIOUS at one point when our drinks didn't arrive when I wanted them to because, holy cow, does Wolfie ever scream and say, 'you can't officially start a fun summer dinner on the patio until your wine arrives'. It was fleeting, but I was sure to recognize it and name it so I could shut that shit off immediately!  So the dinner was glorious, my supper was exactly what I had been craving.  I did kill the whole bottle of fizzy water and then felt bloated after haha.  I could definitely envision an evening with girlfriends and feel at peace.  I wonder if other newly sober ( and experienced sober people) understand what that feeling is I was experiencing: That feeling of being truly, calm, relaxed and at peace.  Enjoying the moment I was in instead of obsessing about that one glass of wine and if it would turn into more. It was uncanny to say the least.

Things to be grateful for in the last 30 days:

- That I learned more about myself and my relationship with alcohol that has changed me forever regardless of the days to come

- That telling only a few close people in my life was a blessing and a wake up call. A wake up call because I was able to narrow my 'close' friends down to 2; the people who really care about my journey

- My husband joining me sober during the last 30 days. Wherever his path leads, I at least have sober footing under me which I am grateful for

- The love my children have for me is stronger than I ever thought. It was always me that doubted their love because I doubted the love I had for myself

- Reaching out to the sober universe through instagram, blogs and creating this online personal blog of my journey. I am grateful that a few people have discovered it and am hopeful that I will start to have people engage so we can learn more about ourselves and help each other through this journey together.