(photo from Zion National Park)
OCTOBER 5, 2020 - DAY 97
Skipping towards day 100….. I had no idea the ‘shift’ would feel so incredibly palpable. What is this ‘shift’ you might all be wondering…….. I will try my best to explain it, in a way only I can do: In a very circuitous, off track way!
I am not thinking about drinking anymore. I mean, it passes through my thoughts like an ‘oh she has a nice dress on’ flight of fancy, and then poof it’s gone! It is kind of hard to explain though: I am still conscious of not drinking. I wanted my Sunday dinner to feel more fancy last night, so I decided to put my San Pellegrino in a wine glass. I really liked that. It didn’t trigger me wanting wine because it was nowhere near the taste of wine, but the glasses are just so pretty.
I was really tired yesterday. I wanted to have a nap in the afternoon, but it didn’t happen because I got tied up making dinner. It was a glorious dinner with my kids and hubby. Delicious meal and then a fun game of cards. I was tired, and a bit grumpy, but at least I knew, and everyone else knew, I was simply tired. I wasn’t being a bitch because I was buzzed. My wine-ego goes one of 2 ways: Laughing way too loud, too happy, too encouraging, or, I am just a bitch. A huffing and puffing quiet bitch.
After everyone retreated to their bedrooms and hubby finished up the dishes (bless his soul), I sat in my favorite chair and just sat in the moment. The soft dinner music still playing, no tv, a semi-dark room with one lamp as the sun had recently set, and me in my chair with my eyes closed just sitting in the moment. In that moment what I felt was a sense of calm, peace, inner gratitude that literally felt like that first glass of wine. That feeling of little butterflies, the slight numbness of alcohol. But it was just me being in the moment. I lived through yet another day of no booze. We had a great dinner, a great visit, a great card game, with NO booze. That is when I felt the shift. I can really do this life without another drop of alcohol. It’s actually more fun, not less. I was fully present, I was authentic. I was the predictable mom and wife that everyone knows me as ‘pre 5:00pm’. Holy shitballs (I know Mrs. D says this, but ask any of my friends, I have been saying this for years ;) )
I have had other smaller moments of the shift, but this, this was like turning the biggest corner for me. I hope and pray that those of you in the early days of giving up the booze, drugs, food, whatever you are emotionally tied to for relief, hang in there. I am begging you. You’ve probably heard this a million times, but it really does get better. The constant, obsessive thoughts do dissipate. You have to give your brain the chance to rewire itself so it’s thinking straight. Any mood altering substance that changes the way serotonin, dopamine and all those other chemicals act in your addicted brain have to balance themselves out first so your brain learns to work on its own, the way it was meant to. And now, after 90 + days, I promise, my brain is clear. I am understanding what it means to be ‘clear-headed’. The fog has literally lifted and I feel like the world is full of incredible possibilities. It sounds so dramatic, but I have heard this time and time again from those that have treaded this path before me. It really, truly is 10% physical and 90% mental. Give your brain the chance to heal, and the rest will come. Be kind, give yourself the compassion and patience you would to your child or very best friend. Immerse yourself in blogs, Instagram, books, audiobooks. Just ‘stay here’ as Belle would say.