August 29, 2020 - DAY 60
Day 60, 60 days without a drink. July 1st was 60 days ago. I say it over and over, I write it and I shake my head in disbelief. I am standing outside of my body looking at my new sober self saying “holy shit lady, you actually quit drinking”. Me, the one who proudly planted both of my feet with hands on my hips and repeated the tape in my head that said “you aren’t an alcoholic like your mom. You drink in a society that everyone else drinks. Enjoys wine daily. So what?” Well, what? Here’s WHAT I gave up in the last 60 days:
- Waking up every morning with no feelings of ‘did I drink the whole bottle last night?”
- Waking up every morning to check my phone for notes I left myself the night before so I wouldn’t forget
- Waking every single night at 3 am: mad, loathsome, trying to get back to sleep
- Starting each morning looking in the mirror saying “look at your puffy eyes, you did it again asshole”
- Opening my bedroom window and spraying with air freshener to get rid of the stale booze smell
- Putting on my makeup wondering if my eyes really ARE that yellow
- Putting on buckets of hand cream when I get to work so my colleague can’t smell the wine from the night before
- Not having conversations with every person in my day wondering, “do they know?” “can they see I’m really a fake, fraud and a phony?”
- Having 3 glasses of wine but driving anyway. Convinced it’s been long enough between glasses
- Sitting at my desk at 3 counting the hours until wine o’clock
- Getting home after work, every day and ignoring all the voices in my head saying “you really have to stop this madness you know…”
- Listening to the clinking of wine bottles as they enter the recycling bin, one by one. Seeing it overflowing within 2 days (thanks to my drinking buddy and husband)
- Getting into deep conversations with my husband or children. Telling myself I was sober enough to share my thoughts when really, I was often far too blunt, emotional and hurtful
Here’s what I GOT:
- Pride in my daughter’s eyes. Texts from her, checking in and telling me how proud she is
- No more bloating
- Full, restful sleep
- Authenticity: Knowing when I speak to people, I am not hiding an alter-ego
- Being fully present: Going out for dinner with friends, not monitoring the level of my wine. Not monitoring my friend’s wine, wondering when I can order another. Not watching the server, hoping she will come by any minute to offer another glass of wine. Not figuring out how I am going to only have 2 glasses of wine because I’m driving
- Enjoying true, heartfelt belly laughs with friends. It really, seriously does feel different to laugh when sober. Hard to explain.
- Early mornings, clear headed, enjoying writing, learning, growing. Starting every day in sobriety with gratitude and excitement
- An inner feeling of pure joy. Not giddiness, just a sense of serenity
- Remembering an entire movie, not passing out before the end
- Improved relationship with Hubby, it’s been slow in coming but improving
- My daughters gradually joining us to watch tv, eat a meal with us
- Many events happened that I made it through sober: Including the death of a good friend of mine. I experienced the pain sober, but it also allowed me to experience the pure love I had for her without any blurred edges
- A renewed sense of motivation, a general baseline of increased energy
.I’m sure there’s more, these are the things top of mind today, my reasons for gratitude today. My husband and I will be celebrating 30 years of marriage next week. I can honestly say, there were many years that I wasn’t certain we would be here today. It’s not always been easy, sometimes were actually torture. But here we are, at 30 years, and for the time being, we are both sober. It truly is a gift. I will enjoy each day that I have chosen to make this gigantic change in my life. It can be permanent I continue to tell myself. If I could quit smoking 19 years ago and not give it any thought for weeks at a time, then I can also make drinking a thing of my past.
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